March Always Takes Me Back - Part 4

I was prepped with an IV so that the nurses could use petocin to speed up the delivery. They also put a monitor on the baby's scalp to keep a close tab on how he was managing. 2 hours later everything started moving fast. The baby was there ready to be born and I wasn't yet in the right location.

I had to be wheeled in my bed to the operating room that was right next to the Newborn ICU. As soon as we got there I knew it was time. The doctors weren't quite ready for the delivery but that little guy was right there, not waiting for anyone.

With one little push he was all the way out and THANKFULLY I heard him cry. But that was it as they rushed my new little baby through a window that connected the operating room to the NICU.

The emotion of that whole quick moment overwhelmed me. I was grateful our baby was here, thankful to have heard him cry, but sad too because my husband had missed the whole thing. He was required to put scrubs on before he was allowed in the operating/delivery room and because everything happened so fast, he missed it.


We got to see our tiny 3lb 10oz baby a few hours later. And then later that night we got to hold him. He was so tiny I wasn't sure how to hold him. A few days later I had to leave my baby behind as I checked out of the hospital. Both my husband and I cried as we made our way back home.

The next four weeks seemed to last forever as I adjusted to being back home and then leaving daily to visit our new little boy. Everyday we would go to the hospital, scrub and sign in, see what progress he was making and then hold our son.

When I was at home I would crave his newborn smell and wish that he could be here at home with us. His brothers weren't even allowed to go in the NICU. They saw their newest brother for the first time through the thick pane of a hospital nursery window. And they couldn't hold him until he was home with us at 4 weeks old.

During my stay in the hospital and the month that followed I often asked myself, "What am I supposed to be learning from all of this?". I didn't have the answers then but over the years I have realized that this whole experience has taught me a lot.

I learned patience, acceptance, and how to be truly grateful for all that I have been given. I learned compassion and empathy. And I learned first had that our experiences in this life be it good or bad may challenge us, but they also help us to become the person our Father in Heaven knows that we can be.

And for that I am thankful.

March Always Takes Me Back - Part 3

I made it through the first 48 hours and was given my second steroid shot. Now all I had to do was hang out in my hospital bed and wait out the time.

Everyday in the hospital had pretty much the same routine. Doctors and interns came early in the morning to check on me and then an hour or two later I would eat breakfast. I would try to do some reading and then in a few short hours I would be served lunch. After lunch I would get to leave my room for my daily stress test.

Each day I was given a stress test to make sure the baby was alright. This included an ultrasound where the technicians would measure how much fluid was surrounding the baby, making sure there was plenty for the baby to thrive.

After my daily round trip in a wheel chair came dinner and then company! For about the first week my hubby and kids came up everyday to see me. And it was the highlight of my day! I was very lonely in that hospital room and I would cry and worry because I couldn't be home with my boys, especially my 3 year old who was having a hard time dealing with the situation.


We spent our evenings watching a movie together or giving the boys rides in the wheel chair, but mostly we were constantly reminding them what they could and couldn't touch. Nonetheless, I was so grateful for their visits.

Day 7 in the hospital brought another concern as I work up that morning bleeding. It turned out to be no big deal because the bleeding slowed down and it was common for bleeding to occur due to the lack of fluid in the womb. However, just to be on the safe side I was wheeled over to Labour and Delivery again where I spent most of that day.

I dreaded having to spend another 3 weeks in the hospital but I knew it was best for our baby so I tried to be positive.

Day 11 brought a new start to my day as I woke up around 4 am to a reoccurring pain. After waking up fully and realizing this might be labour pains I started timing them. They were about 5 minutes apart but they weren't really painful. I waited about 90 minutes and then called in my nurse who of course hooked me up to a monitor.

As I watched the monitor I noticed that every time I had a contraction the baby's heart rate slowed way down. The nurse checked with the doctor and I was immediately taken to Labour and Delivery. After 1 1/2 hours of close monitoring, the doctor came in to tell me that he didn't like the way the contractions were affecting the baby so he made a decision that the baby would be delivered today.

I wasn't completely shocked because I knew the contractions were the start of early labour, but when the doctor said that it became very real to me and emotionally I started to fall apart. It was the last day of March 2006, I picked up the phone and called my hubby to tell him that TODAY we were having a baby.

March Always Takes Me Back - Part 2

We arrived at the hospital and the nurses performed a test to see if I had ruptured my membranes. Sure enough I had and so plans were put into place to transfer to me to a different hospital because the one we were at didn't have an ICU for premature babies.

Because of hospital rules I had to go by ambulance to the other hospital which was about 20 minutes away. I wasn't in labour nor in any real risky condition but rules are rules and so I laid in the ambulance going regular speed all the while my hubby followed closely behind in our van.

Once at LDS Hospital I was taken straight to a Labour and Delivery Room just in case I started to go into labour. Apparently about half of the women whose membranes rupture early go into labour within 24-48 hours, so I was closely monitored. I was also given my first of two steroid shots that would help to develop my baby's premature lungs.

I was hooked up to IV's for fluids and antibiotics and had all sorts of monitors keeping track of how the baby was doing inside. After being monitored closely all through the night and into the next day I was told that I was at the hospital to stay, until I delivered.

Later that evening, I was moved to the postpartum side of the maternity section. I wanted to go home but it was against policy. Due to the risk of infection and the need to closely monitor the health of the baby I needed to be on bed rest in the hospital.

I was then told that if at 34 weeks I hadn't gone into labour on my own the doctors would induce labour and deliver the baby. At 34 weeks there is more risk to the baby being inside the womb with ruptured membranes than being outside the womb. And so I prepared mentally to be content with the situation. And my hubby became Mr. Mom.

March Always Takes Me Back

to 5 years ago when I was in my 4th pregnancy. A pregnancy that would prove to be unlike any of my others.

In November of 2005, I was 12 weeks along when I started spotting. It happened again at 14 weeks and I began to be more and more concerned about losing the baby. An ultrasound revealed that my placenta was pulling away from the uterine wall so I was put on bed rest for about a week.

In early January, the pregnancy seemed to be back to normal. We made it to the half way mark and found out that we would be having another beautiful bouncing baby BOY. But a month later there was another concern. Our baby had high levels of fluid in his ventricles leading to the need for a more specialized ultrasound to determine if he had hydrocephalus.

Results showed high levels of fluid in the ventricles but they were not abnormal levels so luckily we dodged another potential problem.

On the night of March 21st, I woke up just before midnight to use the restroom, laid back down and then almost immediately felt like I had to go again. Confused I got up and felt some fluid trickle down my leg. Not sure about what had just happened I changed my clothes and laid back down. 20 minutes later the same thing happened.

Now I was really confused and a bit concerned and so I laid down on the couch and started thinking. Could my water have just broke? I wasn't sure. But after using the restroom 2 additional times and continuing to lose excess fluid right after I was sure something wasn't right.

At 1:30 AM, I woke up my Hubby and told him what was going on and we headed to the hospital where I was supposed to deliver.

I was 30 weeks along. And I didn't know what to expect next.

Decisions

Today I had my "yearly" appointment with my OBGYN
and everything checked out fine,
everything except my emotions that is.

As my doctor and I began talking
my eyes started to tear up
and I had a hard time controlling my emotions.
Why? Why was I so emotional?
We were discussing birth control (bc).

I have been on bc for a long time,
and off of it when we felt it was time to have another little one in our family.
But today we were discussing more permanent bc.

Permanent as in no more would I be able to feel the kicking and rolling of a little growing baby inside of me. Permanent as in no more family anticipation on if the baby is a boy or a girl and who the baby would look like. Permanent as in me not having the priviledge of going through the pain and the relief (thanks to modern medicine) of labor and that amazing moment of the baby being born.

Of course this also includes no more morning sickness, no more not being able to find clothes that fit, no more endless question about the baby and its arrival. However, these "no mores" always seem to me to have been completely worth the end result.

I knew before hand that I was going to be talking to my doctor about this subject but I was caught of guard by the amount of uncertainty I still have about it.

In my mind this all makes sense.
Logically I am done having children because at times I feel so overwhelmed by what I have already been blessed with. Physically I am done because I am not in good shape and I am feeling my age. Financially I am done because we just cannot afford another child. And then there is the issue of it being a joint decision.

But all this just doesn't seem to make sense to my heart.

Talking about it makes it all seem so PERMANENT and FINAL.
And yet I know it is not.

I don't know if I will ever be ready to fully commit to saying YES, I am done having children because that is a part of my life I just don't want to let go of.
At least for now.

Rough Week

It has been a rough week for this little girl.

After missing a day of nursing
I thought it was a sign that she was ready to be weaned.
Not so much.

The second day went okay
but for the last five days she has gotten up on my lap
expecting the usual. And when she realizes
she isn't going to get that anymore
she throws a little fit.

On this particular day
NOTHING would calm her down.
Until her brother handed her a piece of ice.

Then she was NICE again.

I feel bad
because I know it is a comfort for her.
But it is time to move on.